Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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