wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize