he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It was like giving head to a cactus.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
