What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Less talking, more tequila
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I know her cup size but not her name....
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