We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
