She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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