I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
