from now on my penis is your penis
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
