You really coming over, don't trick.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
