I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize