I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
