You're so nebulous sometimes
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
