Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
