Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
