you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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