It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you traded sex for a burrito?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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