Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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