someone get that fucking seahorse.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
