Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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