I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
