It's Friday. Sex?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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