Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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