she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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