the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
