I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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