Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
