I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
