my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
