All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just pynch a tree in the face
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I AM VODKA MAN
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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