I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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