he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
