My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
