A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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