I smell stomach acid.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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