who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
