just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
