I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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