I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
