OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
