I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
