Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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