I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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