Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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