I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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