Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
