It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
