So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
