turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
