Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
