I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
