mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
