highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
