I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
