So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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