I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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