My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize