He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
