I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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