Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My legs feel like baby dolphins
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
